Well, here we are, approaching the end of 2008's third week. Even these 16 days have flown by, haven't they? I have been real conflicted about whether to get on here and blog at all, because I have been so down. And nobody really wants to read the rants and raves of a woman scorned. HAHA. Actually, I am continuing the job search and can relate 100% to much of what Jen Haynes said in her latest entry. Which prompted my own mental gymnastics all over again. Unemployment gives a girl ALOT of time to think. That's for sure, sister! Amen.
I have been back and forth, up and down, considering options, interests, passions. Bottom line, I want to be happy, creative, authentic, outdoorsy. I want to make a difference. There is a HUGE part of me that aches for others to describe me in these ways. And when I see that I have fallen short of those characteristics, I am disappointed in myself...and I feel like a facade. Do you all ever feel that way? Like when you look at the lives and personalities of your friends, you pale in comparison? Sometimes I think, if I could just do ONE thing well, ONE thing that was "April's thing" - that would be satisfying.
I know from a spiritual standpoint, that it is NOT all about me. It is not about my hobbies, or those things that I practice to do well in. It is not about the career path I choose, or how others define or describe me. It is about glorifying God. None of it centers around April. BUT, if I am truthful, knowing that does not keep me from wanting to be something special. In fact, I burn to be unique. To naturally exude "April-ness".
Becky touched on this a bit in her last blog, too. The feeling/urgency of wanting Ellen MeKay to know who Becky IS. Aside from the daily stuff in their family lives, Becky wants her daughter to understand what makes her different. I can definitely relate to that. I see it's importance.
Why is this definition, this classification, so valuable and significant to me? Am I relying on man-made labels to construct my outer self? Is it because so much of my life is in limbo right now? And because my life looks NOTHING like I dreamed it would? I do not have a husband, or kiddos, or thriving career to fill each day. It is me and my thoughts, 24/7. Is that why I am seeking to mold and define myself into what I believe is admirable?
I am just throwing this out there. Share your wisdom, oh wise ones...I am up for enlightening discussion! Although, I so wish we could be sitting around drinking wine and wrestling with such topics instead! :)
5 comments:
What it is about January that makes us women search our souls and question our lives, are our brains freezing?
Seriously I think whatever stage we are in the whole finding our identity is a big deal to us.
Do you have the book "My utmost for his highest" by Oswald Chambers, I read the January 4, entry the other day and then read it to Niki we both liked it and I think that you would appreciate it today, if you don't have it the jist of it talks about Peter and how he wanted to do anything for Christ, even follow him if it meant losing his own life, and the point that Chambers makes is that Christ always knows us more than we know ourselves.
Here is the best part..."There are times when you cannot understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings the blank space, see that you do not fill it in, but wait. The blank space may come in order to teach you what sanctification means, or it may come after sanctification to teach you what service means. Never run before God's guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt-don't."
There is alot more good stuff but this comment will be way to long if I write it all. It basically emphasizes waiting for God to move, which I know can be so hard, but it says Gods way never brings heartbreak or disapointment. So I have been holding to that.
I hope this encourages you like it did me.
God is paying attention to you. He loves you and is bleesing you to be there and be encouraing to others when they are where you are too. You are beautiful, your "Aprilness" shines through even when you don't think it does...even if you are just blogging... you are unmistakenably WONDERFUL!!!!!
Great stuff Becky and April! I'm going to leave a better comment but seriously...I just need you here with a good cup o coffee so we can do some good heart to heart chattin'. I hear your pain. I'm thinking of what to write but decided I'd better put up this little comment to let you know I care and I'll be back :-)
April my thought while reading this is that God has already enabled you to be the exact person that he wants he to be. I find a lot of times we cry out to God, myself included, for help and for Him to show us the way, when He has already done just that very thing that we are crying out to Him for. Think of that word "enabled". Pretty neat word. He has enabled us. Look at your jewelry. It is gorgeous. He has given you an eye to make jewelry. You have already set up a website. Do it! Go to etsy.com and start selling your jewelry there. It is so hard when you only have your thoughts sometimes, but in those times are so beautiful too. It is time well spent with God. Your life does not look like what "you" wanted, but I have a feeling that is God trying to tell you something.
Thank you, Becky, Jen and Sunday! You have each given me much to ponder on this topic! Thanks for reading my ramblings and taking the time to respond. I am obviously in my head a lot lately, and your new perspectives, and wise reminders are good to hear! Love and Hugs!
I like the new look of the blog by the way.. and we can always drink wine together anytime!
I think this search is normal. Obviously we are all going through this search and we keep looking for something to strike us. I feel that sometimes I put in my head the way it's suppose to be or look and so when it comes along I don't notice it because it isn't the way/look I thought.. also like what Sunday said, I think God has already made you special and unique.. you have many talents.. many that i wish I had in comparison to you.. but we all inwardly struggle with that feeling.. it's soo normal.. but God has developed you and is continuing to develop you into the person you are.. so full of grace and truth. Absolutely beautiful! I know God has a plan for you.. and good news.. you are walking on it now!
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