Friday, August 22

Like Bubbles...

God placed two things on my heart during my solitary quiet time at Holden Beach, NC this past summer. It was only a quick feeling – like thoughts that got downloaded when I took a minute to stop and breathe. It was like the bubbles that float to the top of a glass you have just poured water into. Hitting surface, resting on the top briefly, and then gone with no trace. Two things bubbled up when I quietly, even passively, asked Him, ‘what’s next?
I basically received:

1. Get in shape. Regain your health. Work to put your body back together in a way that is honoring and restorative.

2. Get out of the country and help others. Take humanitarian trips. Make a point to DO, take ACTION. Love on people in real-time. Show up and take on the adventures I push you towards.

He didn’t directly address my singleness or the growing black hole in my heart that whispers I will be alone forever.  He did not address the terrible work environment I struggle through each day at a soul-sucking office.  He didn’t point out anything specifically about my artistic passions. He had nothing at that time for my growing financial fears. Nothing that soothed my anxious mind about the ever-ticking life clock that wakes me up from a deep sleep on countless nights.

But, He DID I DID hear from Him. That is huge!
I am grateful. I am expectant. And, I definitely have work to do.  

Thursday, January 27


My Yabo is gone. It's been extremely tough. She was such a lovely little creature and a dear companion. Cancer is a terrible thing - it takes away goodness and replaces it with pain and heartache. Yabo was not young, but not old for a cat either, so I feel robbed. Precious years I looked forward to were taken before either of us were ready. If there ever IS a 'ready'...

Anyhow, I felt the need to express my sorrow out to the world a bit, maybe to share her story as a way of memorial. At the beginning of starting this (not necessarily successful) blogging deal, one of my first postings was about her and how much I loved her. She is one of those animals that I know will always be considered favorite, one that kindof met me on a different level - a rare connection I believe God can create between special pets and us. My vet felt it too. She had not seen such a tight connection between cat and owner in a long time. When we discovered her cancer, the vet cried with me. It was devastating.

After she operated on Yabo back in early April of 2010, the doc also commented on not having seen a cat so resilient and tough. A massive tumor was removed and she had lost a more blood than expected. Immediately after the anesthesia wore off, Yabo stood up on the surgical table and looked around as if to say 'ok, what's next'? The vet and her staff were amazed. It didn't surprise me one bit. But that wasn't all...

The surgery discovered a rapidly growing tumor that had already invaded Yabo's muscle system and her bones. The doctor told me although the surgery had been helpful, it would probably only give her a few more months of life, maybe 1 or 2. Like the champ she was - my cat lived an additional 9 months! We had Christmas and even New Years together.

I still think I am going to see her when I get home from work, waiting for me by the front door. I have found myself reaching out to snuggle with her in bed, and it's empty in her favorite spots. I can vividly remember the little looks she'd give me when she wanted something specific, how she would run to the cabinet where her treats were, hoping to coax me into following. I remember Yabo's sweet, and almost constant, talking. She always seemed to have something to say. I remember how she would curl up in the drawer of my desk, to be near me when I was working on the computer. Or, how she would literally reach out and paw gently at my face to get my attention.

She was exactly what I had needed, and I was what she needed, and we fit. And I miss her. And that's how it's gonna be... alot of missing.

I love you, Yabo.

Tuesday, November 30

The What Nots...

Do you ever feel like you mind is filled with bits of info - of varied meanings, different priorities... kindof like a relentless stream of radio noise? I bet you do. I imagine we all have it. I call them the what nots. Here is what mine sounds like today... this is me just writing as it comes to me...welcome to the hamsterwheel of my mind.

My stomach feels acidic - I need to get to those dishes by 12:30 t0day - that should be my goal - mom always tells me to set the alarm for 30 minutes and see how much cleaning I can to on something, then move on - Grandma used to clean that way. I have FPU tonight and I don't want to go - I haven't read but like 4 chapters total and haven't done my budget allocation sheets due weeks ago - I just now saw the new salary I will be working with, and I thought it was going to be a lot more per month - is my math off or is it that healthcare and taxes, etc just take THAT much? - I am always astounded at the difference between my gross and net pay - the gap is wide. Yabo is laying here in the desk drawer beside me and reaches out every few minutes to break my concentration so I will pay attention to her. I take her to the vet at 3 and I am not expecting good news - what will doc say? Is it time to put her down? Is this tumor causing too much pain? What will I do without her sweet spirit around me each day - I will never find another tiny furry companion that fits me so well. Does she know she is deeply loved?

I need to cancel my online page since I am not using the website for jewelry. It's just been sitting there for years now. Maybe I can save that fee each month and buy supplies to focus on just selling through Etsy. They do already have the shopping cart and payment part worked out afterall. Why don't I move on this idea, what is my problem? Why am I so stuck? Does the stuff I create really measure up? What if this ends up being a disasterous failure? Does that mean I am not really an artist afterall? What if nobody buys my jewelry or paintings and I feel rejected? I don't do well with rejection. That's 100% the reason I am not out there creating opportunities to date. I get devastated by rejection and right now, if I was a guy, I would reject me. Honestly. That's another stuck point. Why can't I get my fat ass to work out? People do it, and lose weight, and feel better about themselves ALL THE TIME. It is a scientific fact that I will slim down if I eat better and exercise. It would happen. But here I stay - in this familiar unhealthy spot. Blah.

I need to do some stuff that my new boss assigned for me to do from home. I don't want to work. I don't like it. I want to play house and make babies and create stuff all day. That is my dream. And travel. I have not been out of the country in almost 10 years!!!!!!!! I feel stifled and landlocked. That is one of the biggest goals for this whole 'get my budget crap in order' project... set money aside to travel. Where would I go, internationally? Well - in no particular order and right off the top of my head... Greece, Spain, South Africa, Kenya, New Zealand, Thailand, Scotland. Domestically? Austin, Seattle, Chicago, Big Sur, NYC during the Christmas decorations. I need to take those boxes and stuff down to my storage unit in the basement. Then my apartment won't have all that extra stuff cluttering the floors and I can do the wet swiffer and really enjoy the Christmas things I put out. I need to add a bow to the wreath on my door. Wonder if I already have some pretty cloth ribbon I can use. Look at this pile of papers! Yikes. Sad about the forests. What a waste. I should ask the new company when my 401k is set up so I can roll over my FHI balance. Should I make that chicken salad now, the one Ada likes? It's so freakin' good.

The gift I ordered her from will probably arrive today. Funny how she got so excited over the holiday napkins and napkin rings in that catalog. It's the simple things, though. I like the simple things. Simplify. Amplify. Verify. Ok, April. You need to pick up your alterations and some sodas and cat treats sometime today. And leave the landlord a note about the rent check. I wonder when it will snow. The trees outside this window are looking bare and the neighbor across the way ought to throw those squirrel ravaged pumpkins out. Let them go, lady. Maybe I will find time to journal at the coffeeshop before my class tonight. I think my Groupon there is worth $15. I think they even sell sandwiches - dinner, score. That Redskins game was terrible. How come this city, this great city, has such sucky ball teams? It's lame. I guess I haven't been to a hockey game in years. Capitals might be worth a watch.