I have missed out on some really vital, carefree years of early adulthood. Instead of dating around, I have clung to the safe and easy - no risks, no pressure stuff. Dinner parties or evenings out with close friends that didn't include introducing myself to new people. I haven't had the emotional energy to put myself out there when my inner April doesn't match the outer April. I know that first impressions DO matter, even though we try to pretend they can be rewritten.
In the midst of everything, I know this is a vicious cycle - and satan loves that. I have stayed in because I didn't like how I felt about myself. But that isolation also leads to loneliness and feeling sad, too. It's a depressing spiral.
I am angry at me for having lost several years being unhealthy. Can I really reverse what I have done to my body? Am I ruined forever? Will I ever feel pretty or confident again? I get overwhelmed with what is ahead - if I really buckle down and get serious about weight loss - it is going to be very difficult. I have so much to lose, that it often paralyzes me from doing anything!
Well, I am going to try. I have cried and whined plenty - and it's gotten me no closer to the cute little jeans I want to fit into! Time IS going to come and go no matter what - another week, another month, another few years...so, what will I do with that time?
4 comments:
Good for you!!! You can totally change things if you don't like how they are going. I know you can. I want you to feel as beautiful as you really are! Love you and you have my full support!
Apes.. I am so happy for you! I know you can do this too! I understand the hard road you face ahead since I felt like I have been there too. I know I wasn't in the exact place you are now but it was similar in some areas... but through God's grace, tears, fighting myself.. I did lose 30lbs in one year and even ran in a 4k race... trust me if I can do it anybody can! I'll be praying for you through this.. and I'm getting back on the wagon myself in about a week.. so we can share notes! Love you!
I just read Becky's note and I second what she said.. You are BEAUTIFUL and I see it even though you struggle to see if sometimes.. I have always thought you were the most beautiful person inside and out that I've known.. you still are.. but I too want you to feel as beautiful as you really are!
Thank you girls. It is honestly humbling to hear that you think I am beautiful, despite the pounds and my own self-doubt. I am not sure I will ever understand why I let 4+ years of my life slip by, and why I 'let myself go' so much...but, I DO know that I want to get back to the active & fit girl that I know is still buried in here someplace. I think I will feel more like 'me' again when the outside more closely mirrors what is inside. I will NEED your encouraging words many times in the road ahead... and I appreciate your support. Love, love, love!!
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