It is funny that my last post was called "And I begin" - because I was just watching a show last week where several women were asked what, looking back over life so far, they would have told their younger selves. What lessons did they learn and want to pass along? One woman said "that no matter what is behind us, no matter what has been our past....life begins again, and again, and again." We never 'arrive' at who we are, becoming is constantly happening! Kindof reminded me of God's very sweet promise - of fresh starts and new chances.
So... I begin again. When opening a blog announcement from a friend today, I remembered setting one up a few months ago. And although I doubt many people will be interested enough to read my ramblings of randomness...who knows, maybe it will just be good for me. Another step in the life long journey of self-realization. Not only that - but, seems "everybody's doing it!" I like reading what people have to say and I am nosey enough to look through pictures whenever I get the chance....so, go ahead folks, have at it! Here I am, just April...
What shall I start with? How about the fact that it's been three months since I quit my miserable job. The full time search has become quite exhausting... and after all this time, I am becoming even more sure that what I hoped to find, the job I prayed would be out here - just around the corner - in fact, does not even exist. I feel lame and misunderstood and guilty some days. I don't WANT work to be the biggest part of my life. BUT, I believe in hard work. It is too much to ask that what I spend so much time each day doing, also be exciting, challenging and at least somewhat in accordance with my passions? I second guess myself all the time. "April, just be content in a job. Don't keep looking for something better. Why can't you just be happy anywhere?" And still... that little voice says NO - love yourself enough to work for, pray for, search for the most right fit!
I think what makes this hard for me, too... is that I am single, making these decisions on my own. If I had my 'druthers' (as my bud, Jill would say) - I would be married, and working at a home studio each day - doing paintings and designing jewelry. The burden and load of doing life, of paying bills, of figuring this grown-up stuff out, would be a shared adventure. And yet - I am alone... I have to look out for me.
Wow, this is a real depressing note to start on. I guess it's just where my mind is today. Lord, please bring your peace in this time. Help me to trust you for good things - for a job I can look forward to, for a supportive husband, for life beyond these frustrations today. Help me look up, to know this time will pass, that worry is temporary and my faith is enough.
So... I begin again. When opening a blog announcement from a friend today, I remembered setting one up a few months ago. And although I doubt many people will be interested enough to read my ramblings of randomness...who knows, maybe it will just be good for me. Another step in the life long journey of self-realization. Not only that - but, seems "everybody's doing it!" I like reading what people have to say and I am nosey enough to look through pictures whenever I get the chance....so, go ahead folks, have at it! Here I am, just April...
What shall I start with? How about the fact that it's been three months since I quit my miserable job. The full time search has become quite exhausting... and after all this time, I am becoming even more sure that what I hoped to find, the job I prayed would be out here - just around the corner - in fact, does not even exist. I feel lame and misunderstood and guilty some days. I don't WANT work to be the biggest part of my life. BUT, I believe in hard work. It is too much to ask that what I spend so much time each day doing, also be exciting, challenging and at least somewhat in accordance with my passions? I second guess myself all the time. "April, just be content in a job. Don't keep looking for something better. Why can't you just be happy anywhere?" And still... that little voice says NO - love yourself enough to work for, pray for, search for the most right fit!
I think what makes this hard for me, too... is that I am single, making these decisions on my own. If I had my 'druthers' (as my bud, Jill would say) - I would be married, and working at a home studio each day - doing paintings and designing jewelry. The burden and load of doing life, of paying bills, of figuring this grown-up stuff out, would be a shared adventure. And yet - I am alone... I have to look out for me.
Wow, this is a real depressing note to start on. I guess it's just where my mind is today. Lord, please bring your peace in this time. Help me to trust you for good things - for a job I can look forward to, for a supportive husband, for life beyond these frustrations today. Help me look up, to know this time will pass, that worry is temporary and my faith is enough.
2 comments:
Apes! I'm right there with you on the job thing! I know you know this already, but I am so proud of you for taking a chance and putting yourself out there to find that perfect job! I'm praying for you through this and thinking about how strong God is making your faith!
"this too shall pass". i remind myself of that a lot. when bringing a newborn home is the hardest thing that i have EVER done. we each have something like that and it does pass, or really you just learn how to deal with it. i am excited to read your blog. i guess we are all voyuers(is that how you spell it?). we will enjoy each others lives through blogs and i am sure learn something along the way. read my freind katie's blog. it is always inspiring to me!
Post a Comment