Like Bubbles...

God placed two things on my heart during my solitary quiet time at Holden Beach, NC this past summer. It was only a quick feeling – like thoughts that got downloaded when I took a minute to stop and breathe. It was like the bubbles that float to the top of a glass you have just poured water into. Hitting surface, resting on the top briefly, and then gone with no trace. Two things bubbled up when I quietly, even passively, asked Him, ‘what’s next?

 

I basically received:

1. Get in shape. Regain your health. Work to put your body back together in a way that is honoring and restorative.

2. Get out of the country and help others. Take humanitarian trips. Make a point to DO, take ACTION. Love on people in real-time. Show up and take on the adventures I push you towards.

He didn’t directly address my singleness or the growing black hole in my heart that whispers I will be alone forever.  He did not address the terrible work environment I struggle through each day at a soul-sucking office.  He didn’t point out anything specifically about my artistic passions. He had nothing at that time for my growing financial fears. Nothing that soothed my anxious mind about the ever-ticking life clock that wakes me up from a deep sleep on countless nights.

But, He DID give.me.those.two.things. I DID hear from Him. That is huge!

I am grateful. I am expectant. And, I definitely have work to do.  

Yabo...

My Yabo is gone. It's been extremely tough. She was such a lovely little creature and a dear companion. Cancer is a terrible thing - it takes away goodness and replaces it with pain and heartache. Yabo was not young, but not old for a cat either, so I feel robbed. Precious years I looked forward to were taken before either of us were ready. If there ever IS a 'ready'...



Anyhow, I felt the need to express my sorrow out to the world a bit, maybe to share her story as a way of memorial. At the beginning of starting this (not necessarily successful) blogging deal, one of my first postings was about her and how much I loved her. She is one of those animals that I know will always be considered favorite, one that kindof met me on a different level - a rare connection I believe God can create between special pets and us. My vet felt it too. She had not seen such a tight connection between cat and owner in a long time. When we discovered her cancer, the vet cried with me. It was devastating.

After she operated on Yabo back in early April of 2010, the doc also commented on not having seen a cat so resilient and tough. A massive tumor was removed and she had lost a more blood than expected. Immediately after the anesthesia wore off, Yabo stood up on the surgical table and looked around as if to say 'ok, what's next'? The vet and her staff were amazed. It didn't surprise me one bit. But that wasn't all...

The surgery discovered a rapidly growing tumor that had already invaded Yabo's muscle system and her bones. The doctor told me although the surgery had been helpful, it would probably only give her a few more months of life, maybe 1 or 2. Like the champ she was - my cat lived an additional 9 months! We had Christmas and even New Years together.

I still think I am going to see her when I get home from work, waiting for me by the front door. I have found myself reaching out to snuggle with her in bed, and it's empty in her favorite spots. I can vividly remember the little looks she'd give me when she wanted something specific, how she would run to the cabinet where her treats were, hoping to coax me into following. I remember Yabo's sweet, and almost constant, talking. She always seemed to have something to say. I remember how she would curl up in the drawer of my desk, to be near me when I was working on the computer. Or, how she would literally reach out and paw gently at my face to get my attention.

She was exactly what I had needed, and I was what she needed, and we fit. And I miss her. And that's how it's gonna be... alot of missing.

I love you, Yabo.

The What Nots...

Do you ever feel like you mind is filled with bits of info - of varied meanings, different priorities... kindof like a relentless stream of radio noise? I bet you do. I imagine we all have it. I call them the what nots. Here is what mine sounds like today... this is me just writing as it comes to me...welcome to the hamsterwheel of my mind.

My stomach feels acidic - I need to get to those dishes by 12:30 t0day - that should be my goal - mom always tells me to set the alarm for 30 minutes and see how much cleaning I can to on something, then move on - Grandma used to clean that way. I have FPU tonight and I don't want to go - I haven't read but like 4 chapters total and haven't done my budget allocation sheets due weeks ago - I just now saw the new salary I will be working with, and I thought it was going to be a lot more per month - is my math off or is it that healthcare and taxes, etc just take THAT much? - I am always astounded at the difference between my gross and net pay - the gap is wide. Yabo is laying here in the desk drawer beside me and reaches out every few minutes to break my concentration so I will pay attention to her. I take her to the vet at 3 and I am not expecting good news - what will doc say? Is it time to put her down? Is this tumor causing too much pain? What will I do without her sweet spirit around me each day - I will never find another tiny furry companion that fits me so well. Does she know she is deeply loved?

I need to cancel my online page since I am not using the website for jewelry. It's just been sitting there for years now. Maybe I can save that fee each month and buy supplies to focus on just selling through Etsy. They do already have the shopping cart and payment part worked out afterall. Why don't I move on this idea, what is my problem? Why am I so stuck? Does the stuff I create really measure up? What if this ends up being a disasterous failure? Does that mean I am not really an artist afterall? What if nobody buys my jewelry or paintings and I feel rejected? I don't do well with rejection. That's 100% the reason I am not out there creating opportunities to date. I get devastated by rejection and right now, if I was a guy, I would reject me. Honestly. That's another stuck point. Why can't I get my fat ass to work out? People do it, and lose weight, and feel better about themselves ALL THE TIME. It is a scientific fact that I will slim down if I eat better and exercise. It would happen. But here I stay - in this familiar unhealthy spot. Blah.

I need to do some stuff that my new boss assigned for me to do from home. I don't want to work. I don't like it. I want to play house and make babies and create stuff all day. That is my dream. And travel. I have not been out of the country in almost 10 years!!!!!!!! I feel stifled and landlocked. That is one of the biggest goals for this whole 'get my budget crap in order' project... set money aside to travel. Where would I go, internationally? Well - in no particular order and right off the top of my head... Greece, Spain, South Africa, Kenya, New Zealand, Thailand, Scotland. Domestically? Austin, Seattle, Chicago, Big Sur, NYC during the Christmas decorations. I need to take those boxes and stuff down to my storage unit in the basement. Then my apartment won't have all that extra stuff cluttering the floors and I can do the wet swiffer and really enjoy the Christmas things I put out. I need to add a bow to the wreath on my door. Wonder if I already have some pretty cloth ribbon I can use. Look at this pile of papers! Yikes. Sad about the forests. What a waste. I should ask the new company when my 401k is set up so I can roll over my FHI balance. Should I make that chicken salad now, the one Ada likes? It's so freakin' good.

The gift I ordered her from Target.com will probably arrive today. Funny how she got so excited over the holiday napkins and napkin rings in that catalog. It's the simple things, though. I like the simple things. Simplify. Amplify. Verify. Ok, April. You need to pick up your alterations and some sodas and cat treats sometime today. And leave the landlord a note about the rent check. I wonder when it will snow. The trees outside this window are looking bare and the neighbor across the way ought to throw those squirrel ravaged pumpkins out. Let them go, lady. Maybe I will find time to journal at the coffeeshop before my class tonight. I think my Groupon there is worth $15. I think they even sell sandwiches - dinner, score. That Redskins game was terrible. How come this city, this great city, has such sucky ball teams? It's lame. I guess I haven't been to a hockey game in years. Capitals might be worth a watch.

Heads-Up, I'm BACK

Really? It's been THAT long since I last had anything to say? February - 7 months ago. I am such a quiet person. I should really work on that. Everyone always tells me how shy I am. (insert saracastic tone here)


So, LOTS has happened in that amount of time. Well, lots and kindof not. Stuff, but maybe not ALL the stuff I had hoped to look back and see. The biggest deal is that I finally found a church home. And I realize that IS a huge thing - for me, for any of us. Not that I need the four walls, or the religion aspect, or the institution itself - what I need is the community. The people, the connections, the relationships. That's what life is all about anyway. Relationships.


It's not like I didn't have great friendships and even Christian relationships before now; thank goodness God has faithfully brought along solid lifetime types of buds into my world at every turn. But, it's been awhile since I was rooted in a specific group of believers, on a routine basis. And because we are built to function like that, to do life together, if feels very good to find myself in a head-space, in a heart-space, where I am growing again. Even being challenged in healthy ways to sink deeper into my love of Jesus.


So, now onto not so great stuff - my grandparents passed away this year - my mom's folks. And I am real honest about having not ever been super close to them. But, to see the hit it took on my mother. Man. Talk about hurt. I am still really aching for her loss. My grandparents didn't do the best job ever of showing their kids unconditional love growing up. Specifically, my grandma would also find ways to bluntly state her discontent with any situation - and with any of her daughters, their husbands, or any of the grandchildren. Visiting them was always an obligation that I did not eagerly seek to fulfill. However, they were family and despite the MANY issues that surrounded the relationships - we loved them. And my mom misses her parents. I think it's mostly knowing that they simply aren't here anymore. Grandma isn't scooting around the kitchen in her vintage apron - clearing whatever inch of counterspace she hasn't covered in tupperware containers - to mix up a random medley of leftovers. Grandpa isn't falling asleep during prayer or talking about the cars he owned and fixed over the years. They aren't coming to Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or Easter. They are gone. I cannot even imagine how that must feel. Especially for someone like me, who will have to face that someday - after having enjoyed an amazing relationship with my mom and dad. I simply can't picture my life without them, their support, their laughter, the foundational stability that serves as my background. Tough stuff. heavy stuff. I do that. I get so far into my head sometimes... I am not sure which way is out.


Out...that reminds me to mention something. I am making a new goal. To get OUT of debt. I mean, yes, that has always NEEDED to happen. I always knew it would not disappear on it's own. But, I have signed up for Financial Peace University - a Christian course that meets weekly in a small group here - with the intent of getting a handle on my finances, paying off debt and saying goodbye to all that stress and emotion I carry around about money. My constant lack of funds bothers me all the time and burdens so many aspects of my life. This process is going to be extremely painful. I resist discipline in all shapes and forms. But, it is an absolute MUST. I have to clean up this mess and move on. One of the first orders of business? Sell stuff that I don't need! Just tonight someone came to pick up two (awesome, but I don't have the space) vintage nightstands and left me with $75. That's going straight into my 'Emergency Fund' envelope. The first step in our class is to get $1000 in the bank and not touch it. $1000 is a bunch of dough and it's a bit daunting...but, little by little, I will get there. Even if I have to sell my kidney.


What else you ask? Oh...well, I have to save some info for next time, right?!

Projects...

I am a projects kind of girl. I love them. I am always looking for more. There is continually a very full ongoing list of 'to do' items in my possession that grows and grows...into often an overwhelming mountain of tasks...but, more often, is a somewhat orderly relieving account of everything necessary down on paper - in black and white. I prefer my project lists to be hand written...since the biggest pleasure of all, of course, is crossing an item off in permanent black marker in celebration of it's completion. Isn't that an incredible kind of rewarding?? But, as of late, technology has crept in and I find myself using the 'Notes' section of my iPhone for said list. Instead of sharpie closure, I just delete the line. Not quite as satisfying, but easy.

Let me start off by saying, I don't pat myself on the back much. In fact my counselor told me I lack a significant amount of self appreciation and self encouragement (I digress here a bit). Basically what I mean is, I don't often make comments about being pretty good at this or that. So this is a little uncomfortable for me to share. But, just yesterday, I was working on 2 PROJECTS - using all types of tools out of my quite generous collection of hardware related goodies - to fix the toilet lid and the bathroom cabinet (see picture). After finishing up, I thought... I'm DAMN handy, and I like that about myself! I even kind of laughed out loud a little.


So, this post may bore you to tears, especially since I haven't written in over a year and this is my first go of it again. You might be thinking, "REALLY, April? Couldn't you have come up with a better topic than this?" But, truthfully - projects is what I spend a lot of my time doing, whether it's sprucing up an old treasure I found at a fleamarket, replacing the handles on all of my kitchen cabinets (which is next) or working on a painting (see picture) - these things bring me JOY! I learn through these experiences - the new materials, the trial and error. And I know that's the stuff you do want to know about me.


Now, this is totally random, but if you haven't checked out these websites, they are worth a look:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
http://manbabies.com/popular
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

P.S. I am recently completely obsessed with creating and perfecting my Pandora radio stations. Anyone with me? Hallelujah!

P.P.S. There is FULL-ON Blizzard raging outside!

Drum Roll Please...

I would like to introduce you to Kate! She has been one of my very closest friends since freshman year at JMU. We met while pledging for the same sorority, but our relationship has strengthened, deepened, and become even more cherished through time and walking alongside one another for so many years! We have shared ups and downs with relatives' health issues, relationship/romance woes, office time working for the same organization, Bible studies and special occasions. She is truly one of the very most important people in my life. Kate was living here in the area after we graduated from college....and so we have had some overlapping time in the area that is the cluster-chaotic mess of Northern Virginia.

It has been a true joy and blessing to watch her and Rob (who also went to school with us) bring two adorable, smart, funny and endearing children into the world. These little kiddos really ARE a nephew and niece to me....quite fitting for my name: "Auntie April"! :) Well, as Callie grew it was first "Auntie Apples" and then Charlie called me "Auntie Apoo"! To be completely honest - I was thrilled at all of these silly titles!

I have spent so many hours hugging these little people, holding them, reading to them, eating with them, playing games, and getting to know their unique and delightful personalities. These two are addicting! As soon as I was done babysitting, or leaving their house for the night after a fun visit with the family----I wanted to do it all over again. There is nothing quite like the love of a child. Is there? Here are some photos of us after creating some sweet looking gingerbread houses for Christmas:



So, this is my little note out there into the blog world about loving them. I could say so much more. But, right now, I am just really missing them. Right after Christmas this year, they moved to NH and are planning to settle there for awhile. It is so tough to know that they are not across town and that visits will be so much more infrequent now because of the distance. But, there is so much good about their move. The relocation provides a wonderful school for the kids and a new job for Rob. So, I am trying not to focus on the loss - but, instead view it as another reason to take trips up north!

Kate knows I have this blog and use it mainly to keep up and communicate with you girls from BMT on here. She knows some other bloggers and has now started her own just recently, too! We are expanding the virtual circle here, ladies! Technology is crazy!

Check out Kate's blog to see pictures of her family! Take time to read her thoughts and find out some stuff about her, because it's all treasure!

Christmas, Perspective, Expectation...

I know, we all love Christmas. And because of that... I am guessing most of you feel that kind of slight drop in your spirit the morning of Dec. 26th... waking into the reality that all the magic has once again come and gone. That the tinsel and music, the anticipation and whimsical, has passed on for the year and will not emerge again until the next winter season. Not that there aren't other incredible and amazing things to look forward to - I just feel the heightened sense of loss most right after Christmas. I don't feel quite so bummed when the Halloween costume gets stashed away or when the last colorful Easter egg has been eaten. I don't ruminate over the silence following July 4th fireworks or even the passing of yet another birthday celebration. There is just something about saying goodbye to Christmas that has always been pretty tough for me.

But, perhaps I am growing up, or striving harder to hear and listen to God's voice - because it hasn't been that big a deal this time around. My focus was redirected this year, just a tad enough for me to notice. I took it all a bit more in stride...almost looking in on the commotion and parties, gifts and gatherings, from an outside vantage point. In doing so, the long term real-ness of this holiday hit home again from a more matured personal perspective.

The bigger picture, the more valuable point to treasure, is that God didn't create Jesus and His humble entrance to Earth to be thought of and enjoyed for just one day, or one season of the year. Quite the opposite - the birth of Jesus, and the salvation opportunity that He brought along with Him, is something to celebrate daily! A truth I should remember hourly, minute by minute. Twinkling tree or not...sugar cookies or not...church pageants or not. Advent wreaths and brightly decorated packages aside - the true reason for the season (EVERY season) is the love and sacrifice of Christ on my behalf.

Setting my thoughts on the coming year - a new start in 2009 - I am asking God to keep me focused. Help me keep the perspective He knows I need. Help me to see, recognize, learn, understand what Jesus intends to teach me. Lord, take these 365 days ahead and prepare my heart and my mind to continue the journey. Please constantly remind me that you are always there and that leaning on you, and walking with you, is the best bet on living this life fully!

And so it Begins.....Again

I have been tagged......by Mrs. Courtney Hitchcock! So....I have to say lady friend - this was the PERFECT (tricky) way to get me blogging again. Thanks also for the picture 'shout out'! :) Okay, so the tag was for me to post whatever the 4th picture in my photo file folder was.
Here it is.....drum roll please..............



It is a ceramic magnet. But, I just happened to love the graphic since I am a nut for VWs like this! I am always browsing ETSY.COM and finding really cool things...and this was posted on there a few months ago.

It truly does amaze me how creative people are out there. And I love the concept of handmade goods. I think most of you who may even be reading this little note of mine already like the site, too! So, it is nothing new to you - but, what I love is how I could stay on there for hours and just get fed with great ideas and inspirations. I could go back the very next day and do it all over again because so many new items are added each minute! It's almost too exciting for me to talk about! Here are a few other fun finds that I happened to have saved pics of...





So, now I tag: Clare, Jacqueline, Sunday and Jen Haynes! GO!

Wild Wine Weekend...

So, I haven't posted in months...sorry! I finally have something that I felt like I wanted to sit down and write about! :)

One of my best friends from high school, Stephanie, is getting married in less than a month! She lives in Rhode Island now and flew down this weekend to party big with all of us at her bachelorette party and bridal shower. Us bridesmaids had a blast putting it all together for her - matching t-shirts and all! (They said "Lookin' Fine and Drinking Wine" - cute, right?) We personalized wine glasses for everyone and she loved her own veil and outfit.

We rented a limo-bus to drive us from winery to winery for tastings. It was great that nobody had to drive or worry about directions! We did a picnic lunch and definitely had lots of laughs during our sunny day trip! The rest of the weekend was filled with dancing, tons of games, gifts and many more memories that we will look back on in years to come! Here are some of the pictures from our fun time. (I know you NC gals will not really know many/or any of these ladies...but, I thought it might still be fun to see some photos anyway!) :)

A Little More Light Hearted...

Not only do I need to update my blog with a newer posting, but perhaps with something a little LESS gloomy and intense! After my recent thoughts on the rainstorms of life...it is time for a lighter subject for sure. :)

Here are some pictures from my night out on the town Saturday - an evening of cocktails, fine dining, chocolate mousse, indoor shuffleboard and a killer game of darts. Good times with good, local friends. I am officially 29 and although I am not thrilled about this number, I did have a blast celebrating the occasion.

So, here's a cheers to one more cherished year in my 20s! :)

It Looks Like Rain...

The weather all week has been overcast and cloudy - sorta gray and windy, with the occasional sunspot shining through - but I have been waiting for rain. Wanting it to pour down - that real hard piercing shower of a rain, that is loud and constant, and shakes everything loose for a few hours through pure, cleansing water. I want thunder and to see lightning and to watch it all roll in and play out. It occurs to me that I am wanting this to happen in my very life. I feel like I have been right here, standing in the middle of a tough and relentless storm, for years now - and I want to see it play out. Meaning, not only do I want it finished, but I want to see the results - to see parts of me cleansed and restored, and be able to look in and see what was accomplished. What parts of me were shaken into newness? What lessons has God been trying to teach me through the thunder and looming clouds? What was the purpose for this torrential downpour?

Answers escape me. Interesting that the Bible promises trials. That is part of the reality of it all. Falling and hurting are huge aspects of what we will all endure while living - an unchangeable fact. What the Word doesn't promise is explanation. Although I pray and beg God to reveal exactly what these valleys in my life are all about, there is no scripture that says I will understand. No guarantee that I will actually KNOW what the reasons are behind these painful experiences. What a bummer. Truly. I DO believe Jesus sometimes chooses to offer hindsight and understanding...but, this happens to be one of those times where He remains silent. In this current season of my very stormy life, I have no answers... NO idea what God is doing with me, with this entire mess of circumstances.

So, I wait - I wait for the final raindrop, the final gust of wind - after which all grows calm. I wait and strain for His voice. In the meantime...I try to trust, that this will all come together for good. That although He is not sharing the details at this point, my hurt is not unnoticed and these years have not been wasted. In the meantime...I grab my boots and find some puddles - I dance without a jacket, and allow it all to wash over me.

Perks...

So, I have had a little more than a full week now at the wine shop and there are perks, people.

Distributors are always coming by the store, wanting the staff to sample the wines in the hopes that we will decide to sell them there. This 'testing' could be of 4 or 5 different types at a time. So, once they have been opened and each person involved in the meeting has a small taste, the cork is put back on and the bottle is left to do with as we please. Two nights I have been sent home with a free, vitually full bottle of lovely wine! And pricer stuff than I would ever buy! You know, I don't have real picky taste...and something under $10 is my typical price range. So, getting to try these fancier kinds is such a treat!

In addition to that, I have been sent home twice with boxes of chocolate truffles! Again, I am the kind of gal who is 100% content, in fact - thrilled, with a Snickers bar or Reeses cup. But, man, these are in a whole other category. Even for someone who is more a "salty" than having a weakness for sweets, I am really enjoying these little desserts! :) Check out this box full. This particular company is a small local shop - where they combine fine chocolate and fine art. The artist sprays on colored cocoa powder to create detailed designs on the tops of each yummy piece. Cool, huh? This photo doesn't even do justice to the true bright colors.

Variousness...

Do you think my cousin Jru looks like Heath Ledger? Be honest. Is it all in my head? Please reply with your vote! :)

Today was my first day at the wine shop - The Curious Grape!!! I did a lot of stuff on their office computer, adding customers to their email list....but, most days won't be like that. I also got a little 'tour' of the place, and was shown how the store is laid out. Everyone was very nice, and I think it will be a great place to work. I am including their logo and one pic of the store.

I hate worrying about bills, and I guess I am a bit resentful that all the artsy, cool, FUN stuff that I WANT to do...pays crap. Seems so unfair! It's like the only way I can take care of myself financially will be to suck it up and do a desk job. And I just keep pushing that idea out of my head....hoping it isn't so!

I got a flat tire today....happened to notice it when I parked next to my building after work. Turns out there were not one, but TWO big nails that had punctured my back tire and it could not be patched. The nice folks down the street at the Shell station put my spare on for me (although I have been taught this by my dad) and are gonna call around to find a cheap replacement tire for me! Thank God that this didn't happen on the highway or that I rode on it without realizing, since I could have damaged the rims and I am happy it did not cause a blow out or accident. I am trying to focus on those positive aspects, and not what it will cost me to buy a new tire!

Just Another Manic Monday....

The rain is beating down outside and I purposefully OPENED my windows so I could hear it better... and maybe even get a windy mist flowing into the apartment.

I just got home from lunch with mom. Met her for a burger at Fuddruckers. Ever been there? You choose what size burger you want, they cook it up and then it's up to you to pile on whatever condiments and toppings you want! Loves it.

After lunch, I went by Staples, then Salvation Army and then Goodwill to look for a filing cabinet. Just a metal 2 drawer one, to store all my files in. I have tried hard to keep bills and receipts and paperwork organized, but now, I want to consolidate and create a little more shelf space in my hall closet. The closets here are TINY. A new filing cabinet at Staples would have been $50, and they didn't have any dinged or dented ones on clearance right now. But...Goodwill had a decent black one for $15. Here it is. Ugly, but does the trick.

I have two projects lined up for today. I am rewarding myself with fun stuff because I tackled a GYNORMOUS pile of disgusting dishes yesterday - and since the place is dishwasher free, it took me HOURS to get them done and the kitchen looking good again. The faucet in the sink had been leaking last week, which gave me a great excuse to ignore the overgrown mass of nastiness...but, I had to buckle down and take care of business finally - for fear of possibly toxic molds! Ok....perhaps that was slightly dramatic....

Haha, ok, so my two projects. One - burn 2 mix CDs off my Itunes library for my friend Sue. I just love browsing Itunes, don't you? Discovering not-yet-well-known artists and sharing them with buds? Second, work on a tripic painting (Becky is this the correct term?) that I started like 6 months ago. Three separate canvases painted with one continuous picture, then taken apart and hung in sequence? See the stage/phase I am in now. I am going to use black to make the impression of tree branches stretching across all 3 pieces. Kindof like a sky scene, but the background colors will go vertically, instead of horizontally.

Job Interviews are like Blind Dates

Ok, so I have never gone on a blind date - but, with all the interviewing I have been doing during this current span of a job search - I feel confident enough in my experience to make some education guesses to back up that statement. My stomach gets all tied in knots on my way to an interview. Even though I have taken extra time to get ready - shower, hair, even makeup. I lay out my "professional" outfit the night before, and stock my leather portfolio with fresh copies of my resume and references. I try to come up with thoughtful, intelligent questions about the company, the job description, the work environment.

Same would be sure for a blind date, I can imagine (minus the portfolio)... but with even more heightened attention to smelling good and coming across as "cool and confident, relaxed." All the while those nerves bubbling up in my stomach. The searching, frantically for some fascinating topic to bring up. "Is he attractive? Does he think I'm cute? Am I talking too much? Is my breath minty fresh? Can we order wine....soon?"

Interviews are just akward things, totally nerve wracking. The back and forth chit-chat about where I am from, what got me to this phase of my life, my interests, career skills...blah, blah, blah. In truth, they are just sizing me up....taking me in...judging me. And that's fair - I signed up for the torture. But man, it takes a LOT out of me. A lot.

I had an interview this morning - at a local wine shop. (I thought of you, Courtney!) The speciality manager there needs an assistant to help with making sure the store looks and feels good, to design the window displays, put together gift baskets, prepare chocolate and cheese platters for tasting parties. Inventory, some customer relations, etc. Doesn't that sound fun?? It seems awesome to me! And I really liked the gal I met with. She is our age and really enjoys working there. It is in a great location on a cobblestone street in a section with local theatre, quaint restaurants and unique boutiques (by the way....random thought...wouldn't "Unique Boutique" be a fabulous store name?...anyway - I digress). It would be part time, which in some ways is lovely and in some ways terrible. The pay is no where near what I made before, even if they did give me full-time hours. But, the flexible schedule would allow me to pick up a second part-time job as well.

That second job may be an office position at a local church. The one I mentioned in my last posting. (I have the interview in 2 hours from now!!!) But, they don't pay well either. So - I would have a full and busy schedule - but not even make half of the salary I need to live on up here.

But, what I have been thinking is.... it has been MONTHS since I had any real routine. Sure, I get up relatively early in the day and make to do lists, conquer projects and keep busy - BUT, this structured schedule, as poorly as it pays, would get my into a rhythm again. I would also feel better about making some money of my own, instead of borrowing more from my folks. Those are probably two good reasons to pursue this avenue, right? I will have to keep my efforts going to look for a permanent full-time, well paying job...but, this plan may help bridge the gap a little until that materializes. Oh how I would much rather be working hard maintaining a home, raising children, growing as a wife! But, apparently God has different ideas for me right now - and I need to accept that.

So wish me luck on my second blind date....errrr....interview, of the day! Off I go!

Conveyor Belts, Spaghetti and Ashes

(WARNING: This is a LONG posting - it took on a life of it's own.)

My mind is always running so many miles a minute, that there are continually about 4 or 5 major topics or issues being processed at a time. Not 'major' meaning life and death decisions, or huge, dramatic problems to be solved. I just mean....if someone stopped me at any given point of a day, and asked me to quickly jot down what was currently on my mind - I think that list would consistently be about 4 or 5 bullet points long. Is that normal? Are you the same way? It's kindof like a little conveyer belt in my mind, just like a treadmill, that loops back on itself - lined with boxes of thoughts. So every few minutes or hours, I have dug through each of these compartments mentally. Although - it seems also true that nothing is exactly in a different compartment or box....everything touches/effects everything else. THAT I can probably attribute to being a woman!

Speaking of attributes of a woman - that kindof leads me off on a tangent (go figure)....please bare with me...I am sure we all have heard about, and probably read, that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. A few years ago, I came across a Christian version of that same idea, called Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti. I ate it up! (catch the silly pun-ness there?) And just now it ocurred to me that maybe you all would enjoy it, too. It is written by a funny married couple. The book got me to see, even more clearly, how purposely different (and often frustratingly different) God created men and women. And it really helped me UNDERSTAND the way that guys process information and prioritize things. Fascinating!

So, ok, back to my busy brain. I have thought of blogging the past few days - but didn't have any one particular thing to focus on. Therefore, instead, to represent the conveyer belt analogy above...I will just write about each bullet point resting on my head this morning.

First thing to mention is what a wonderful Ash Wednesday ceremony I went to last night. Something was particularly touching and special in the service, in the message, in the space. I know God is always right there in the midst of fellowship and worship - but, this was one of those times when I feel Him speaking directly to me. Two ceremonies the church did were specifically meaningful - 1. the marking of ashes on my forehead in the shape of a cross... 2. the entire congregation kneeling, right there at the pews - getting down in a posture of humility, in adoration - and praying for hearts of repentence. I know I did not HAVE to attend this service, or HAVE to participate in the rituals. It wasn't the act, or going through the motions that pleased God...what my heart did need were those good visual reinforcements, positioning me into a place of openness.

Secondly, I am personally being convicted of the jealousy and coveting that I allowing to taint my thoughts and feelings recently. But, even bigger - I am really wanting to FEEL the weight of my own falleness; therefore, more completely appreciating Christ’s sacrifice for me. I think through lent, in this season, I will concentrate on just how ugly and unforgivable my sins are, and how hopeless that would have been if Jesus had not been an option. I really DO want to appreciate the cross.

Busy, Busy Bee....

I have had a surge of immense energy lately....not sure what's in those magic pills I am taking! April is a busy, busy bee!

I have rearranged my bedroom AND living room (the latter 3x) and have taken down this art piece and that picture, changing it up and hanging things I had tucked under the bed or stuck in the back of closets. Not only that, but I have 'gathered' - walking room to room, (not that my apartment is vast) collecting up extra stuff that prob needs to just be put away for a while. The apartment, and each of it's surfaces, was getting full and cluttered.

I have stuffed 4 huge plastic rubbermaid containers, wrapping each vase, frame, funky bowl or what not knick knack carefully in newspaper and placing them aside until a future day when I may just have more space to spread out my pretty bobbles. I have SO enjoyed collecting things - mostly from yard/estate sales, thrift stores, vintage shops, fleamarkets. It's the hunt, the treasure searching that I love. I know I do not NEED these things, but I enjoy them. It's kindof like a free high. Who needs pot when a garage sale is going on around the next corner?

What else have I been doing with said energy boost? I cooked up a storm last night - making a roast and these great little spinach feta things, wrapped in that neat-o, flaky phyllo dough stuff! I opened a bottle of red wine and had a little dinner party for one. This might sound sad, but NO....I thought to myself....it is GOOD to treat myself well. Right?

I am going to repaint my bathroom today. Still a blue, even in the same color family as what I have now, but just about 3 shades lighter. I knew, when I painted it 2 years ago, that it was not quite what I wanted, but I gave up on it since painting is such a big job and I felt like I could live with it. But, it has bothered me at least once a week since then! So, I figure...I will get a job eventually - an will not have time to get to projects like this easily. What better time to attack it then now?

Speaking of painting....here are the before, layout and after pictures of the mural I did on Monday. The lighting in Nicole's photos are a little off, so I am including 2 of the final result, so you can see the actual blue and brown paint I used. It was SO fun, and she seems happy with the outcome. BTW, the lamps are 2 we found this past summer at a funky junk market in Maryland!

This and That...

My buddy, Nicole (this is her) had yesterday off from work, and so we got together for a project we've been talking about for almost a year! I agreed to paint a mural on the wall above her bed, and we had picked two great colors. A chocolate brown and this great, sortof greyish (but fresher than that) blue. We spent a lot of time measuring off the perimeters (she likes straight edges and structured spaces). So, the end result will be like three long, skinny, vertical panels! The idea evolved as we discussed designs and options. We ended on a sortof 'relief' concept - with the subject being reeds and long grass stalks. We got most of it finished... probably just a few touch ups here and there to go. I will post the final pictures on here when it's done!


She still had a Christmas present to give me, and it was this nifty tea herb garden! Isn't it cool? I am stoked! I put it all together this morning - the dirt and seeds... trying to add just enough, but not too much, water. It has a happy little home here in my kitchen. Not direct light, and very warm. The box says I will end up with lemon balm, chamomile and spearmint! I wonder how long it will take???

Saturday was a great day, I just had to tell you about it. First I had lebanese food (one of my very favorites) with a friend, Janna (one my very favorites). Then we saw "P.S. I Love You" and I bawled my eyes out, but loved every touching, meaningful moment of the movie! Janna and I sat in the back row, tears running down our faces during about 80% of it! I had one of those cry-headaches when we walked out of the theater and into the waiting afternoon.

We split up to go home, get showers and dressed up to meet 3 more of our ladies in Olde Towne Alexandria for a fancy dinner. I just LOVE this part of the city. It's on the VA side of the Potomac, right along the river. Cobblestone streets, tons of great boutiques, galleries and unique restaurants. Ecclectic, lovely and alive! We ate at a place participating in the "DC Restaurant Week" - where you can select three courses from a menu for $30. Which, is a great deal, since the restaurants that are involved are always too expensive to visit on a regular night (at least for poor gals like us)! So, it was FUN to be so 'metropolitan' with a night on the town. We ordered some bottles of wine and enjoyed the food and ambiance. Then, off to a local pub for some beers and goofing off! Here are some pics.

The Search for Significance...

Well, here we are, approaching the end of 2008's third week. Even these 16 days have flown by, haven't they? I have been real conflicted about whether to get on here and blog at all, because I have been so down. And nobody really wants to read the rants and raves of a woman scorned. HAHA. Actually, I am continuing the job search and can relate 100% to much of what Jen Haynes said in her latest entry. Which prompted my own mental gymnastics all over again. Unemployment gives a girl ALOT of time to think. That's for sure, sister! Amen.

I have been back and forth, up and down, considering options, interests, passions. Bottom line, I want to be happy, creative, authentic, outdoorsy. I want to make a difference. There is a HUGE part of me that aches for others to describe me in these ways. And when I see that I have fallen short of those characteristics, I am disappointed in myself...and I feel like a facade. Do you all ever feel that way? Like when you look at the lives and personalities of your friends, you pale in comparison? Sometimes I think, if I could just do ONE thing well, ONE thing that was "April's thing" - that would be satisfying.

I know from a spiritual standpoint, that it is NOT all about me. It is not about my hobbies, or those things that I practice to do well in. It is not about the career path I choose, or how others define or describe me. It is about glorifying God. None of it centers around April. BUT, if I am truthful, knowing that does not keep me from wanting to be something special. In fact, I burn to be unique. To naturally exude "April-ness".

Becky touched on this a bit in her last blog, too. The feeling/urgency of wanting Ellen MeKay to know who Becky IS. Aside from the daily stuff in their family lives, Becky wants her daughter to understand what makes her different. I can definitely relate to that. I see it's importance.

Why is this definition, this classification, so valuable and significant to me? Am I relying on man-made labels to construct my outer self? Is it because so much of my life is in limbo right now? And because my life looks NOTHING like I dreamed it would? I do not have a husband, or kiddos, or thriving career to fill each day. It is me and my thoughts, 24/7. Is that why I am seeking to mold and define myself into what I believe is admirable?

I am just throwing this out there. Share your wisdom, oh wise ones...I am up for enlightening discussion! Although, I so wish we could be sitting around drinking wine and wrestling with such topics instead! :)

Trees and Trims

Here are a few pictures of my Christmas tree and one of my new haircut. I got highlights, too, since my roots were looking really dark! I have an interview tomorrow for a job with a custom home building company, and then hopefully another interview later this week for a communications position....so, I figured it was time for a fresh look!!!